husband keeps asking me what's wrong

husband keeps asking me what's wrong

Then i would find the messages. Answering the "why" questions is tricky at best. Coercion from a mate can actually drive your spouse away. There simply are no fifty-fifty splits of responsibility in a great marriage. Leave a comment below. Below, experts share seven signs you're the problem in your relationship -- and how to change your ways ASAP. Men are very different with this than women who are cheated on. However, I receive cruel notes on my door , calls in the middle of the night and emails from this woman. I feel exactly the same way. The problem with leaking information is that it delays your mate's ability to learn to trust you again. Its been two years and I still feel that he felt so much more happy with her. Powerful Breakthrough Prayers And for some of you, you may wish your spouse would ask Whats wrong? Your subtle (or not so subtle) hints arent working, and thats even more upsetting. There is nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to STIs, and talking about it openly can help remove the stigma. May your families prevail. He will not come clesn about the current or recent affair. He says to be in need of distance and time, and doesnt exactly know what he wants, or where this goes to. Without that effort from your . I suspect that not responding to her has made her feel that you are apathetic. I think he lied, he really did love her. He spends less time at home. Just don't structure the remainder of your life on what a hurt spouse says, especially in the first three months after the revelation of the affair. I just confirmed my husbands relationship with a woman who lives in another country. This type of badgering shows that your partner doesnt respect you and puts their sexual needs over your personal comfort and safety. For your spouse's sake, be sensitive to places that will serve as a reminder and bring pain. Thankyou Jeannine, I had to read this to her as I don't think she wanted to read on her own but the steps had our relationship to a T i hope. We had issues in this relationship long before I had an affair." 11 and realized that the festering wound of infidelity could reappear years and years later I wouldnt have given up and relapsed. 2. This has hurt our friendship and has left me depressed! Walking on eggshells is unhealthy, and when the petty begins to dominate who filled up the car last, who didn't flag the fact that we're out of eggs you're in trouble, as are your . If you tell your mate to forgive, it will only lead to resentment and make it more difficult to forgive you. Please pray for me as this is the most unbelievable paralyzing pain that leaves me feeling ashamed, dishonored, I feel less of a woman, I feel deep deep sadness, I'm crying all the time, I've loss my appetite. I also found out that he went to her birthday party and lied to me about it(he said he was at a male friends party). Stop thinking that your way is the "right" way. By Dec 29th,he was living in her house and the same day he claims he moved in with her, is the same day that he removed me from the bank account that his paycheck got deposit to. What she wants, and needs for healing, is to feel safe. Your husband is emotionally abusive and he doesn't care that he hurt you. It would usually be after making love with me. If you become defensive, then your mate will only assume you don't understand and he or she will begin to turn up the volume. It's important to discuss the issue with your partner, as they may not even realize that they always assume you're wrong. He doesn't work on the relationship. She covers all things wellness for Readers Digest and The Healthy. I currently had a love affair, and it all came crashing down. I dont know to what extent they went but my suspicion arose when she sent a thank you card to our home as a form of gratitude for my husbands assistance during the family trip. I feel theres no hope in our marriage, I cant even let go of this love affair partner and she dont want anything to do with me cause Im married. With dual masters degrees in information technology and education, she has been a journalist for 17 years and is the author of The Great Fitness Experiment. He hasn't been there for me to find closure. Not everyone has an easy time opening up or admitting their "flaws." Listed below are some of the most common ones we see in our practice. 5. Sometimes it can be frustrating since frequently the hurt spouse takes longer to move past the initial trauma than the unfaithful spouse. Make them aware of the ways that you have altered your life in order to create a culture of safety. If they don't want to share, you can't help. You may be inclined to avoid the issue, but that will only continue to drive a wedge between you and your partner. Humour works wonders. Apart from healthy communication, relationships are built on trust, which is why your partner should be ready and able to talk about it at length. he says that he needs to do it at his own pace, on his own way and that I have the option to take that or leave it, because it is his way of dealing with it. In a previous relationship where he most definitely didn't care about me, "What's wrong with you?" was a constant question I was asked (and not in a concerned way). It is a red flag, though, when folks are clear with themselves about their boundaries but are unwilling to share them with you until you have made a 'mistake.'". But again, this isn't about what your partner says, as much as it's about their willingness to talk. I told her that I don't understand why I feel a loyalty to my AP. One of your first steps will be avoiding defensiveness when talking with your mate. Spying, snooping, or requiring constant disclosure. (Because the past in the past, right?) When you're in a serious relationship, 'I don't know' can be a red flag or it could be an opportunity to find out more.". For example, knowing if you know they've experienced "depression, anxiety, or substance use is important because it will give you an indication as to what potential triggers might be for [them]," Hershenson says. ", If it's obvious your partner is struggling with an issue, it's perfectly OK to give them space. As Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW, a NYC-based therapist, tells Bustle, "Communication and trust are two of the most important areas of a relationship. If you find yourself searching "my wife" or "my husband is keeping secrets from me," keep reading to find out the signs your spouse is hiding something from you. How can someone say they love men do this? My prayer is that you are in a better place now, emotionally and mentally. Make a conscious effort to not view their question as an intrusion, but as an expression of caring. I want to thank all of you at affair recovery for everything you all do. Download the FREE Resource Guide: 4 Keys to Re-Connecting with your Spouse, and grow that sense of connection between you. Similarly, spinning the truth so your mate won't be so upset is just as damaging. He keeps saying he wants peace and move on. I am finding it difficult and almost impossible to talk to my 3 close friends but am finally getting some relief from this website. It has been 2 months since D day and I can honestly say Ive broken my share of the dont dos. Great couples learn to sacrifice and serve one another, even if it isnt totally fair, Dr. Walfish says. If your mate believes that you've laid out the whole truth and nothing but the truth, that there are no more surprises or painful revelations yet to come and then your mate encounters multiple "oh by the ways" or other discoveries as time goes on, then it will eventually destroy your mate's ability to believe a single word you say. 4. You might also want to check in with other big things, like whether they see marriage in their future, if that's something you want. You should never feel like you have to keep an illegal or immoral secret for your partner or lie on their behalf, says Shirani Pathak, PhD, licensed psychotherapist and founder of theCenter for Soulful Relationships. If you tell your spouse that you'll go to counseling together, then go to counseling together. You can ask, but don't tell. Try something like, "I'm trying to figure out when I need to start getting ready to go," or "My boss's comment just keeps running through my mind. I've been left to figure answers myself which obviously are horrific. Tell your mate you'll answer all of the questions, but if you feel your mate is asking questions out of anger and in an attempt to hurt you, then call a time out. Go figure Im a 41 yo highly educated ambitious woman, in a relationship for 15 years, of which 12 y of marriage to a real alpha male who was a college dropout. Getting answers to important questions helps build the foundation for a healthy relationship." It's driving me nuts. My wife found out, forgave me and wants to work on our marriage. I have said it before, when the relationship goes stale this kind of behavior is so common. Other friends may believe and reinforce the fact that your spouse is correct in leaving someone so controlling if you try this approach. But As I am a quite demanding wife myself, it compensated each other somehow. She sounds evil and sick. For the most part, though, you should feel comfortable talking openly and honestly about most things, or at least having a goal for yourselves of heading in that direction. My biggest mistakes are not following through on my commitments and getting defensive (biggest problem). When. Im not trying to justify the situation, as I myself believe that it cant be justified in any way. Overlook cheating. The next day he would once again be withdrawn and sullen. Don't take the bait if your spouse tries to get you to argue. Navigating Midlife While you don't need to question them rapid fire and get all your answers at once, take note of their willingness to chat about these things, as well as whether or not you can live with what they say. Trying to get all of your mate's friends and family on your side. That phase lasted for about 1 month. Because if there is loyalty to the APthen (as bad as this sounds) you probably don't love your wife. A year and a half may seem like a long time for her to still be in so much pain and fear, but that's not much time for a broken heart. The videos you have made are priceless and I am praying that their impact on my best friend, and love of my life will be such that I don't have to suffer through the turmoil of the mistakes he's already making (avoidance talking about it, impatience ("get over it") telling me it's over, but coming home late -- phone in the bathroom still, texting in the bathroom :( it's all devastating and I'm hanging on by just a thin thread right now. I hope everything worked out. I would also have more respect for him if he would man up and admit to his affair instead of lying about it(he lies even when proof is shown to him). In the long run, your mate will at least know that you're being real with them even if your mate doesn't like what you're telling them. (If your spouse claims that you "always walk away," state that you would be happy to stay and have a civil conversation. If so, what was his response? Sorry isn't enough. While it can be tough to talk about big, relationship-y things that might happen in the future, it's important to do it anyway so you can make sure you want the same things. It will speak volumes to your mate that youve come to see how wrong you were and how your choices affected them. You never know, he may have changed and understood he was being super annoying. Naively believing that if you and your affair partner decide to do the right thing and return to your marriages, that the affair is indeed over. Instead of trying to change you, a good partner will support you in your goals. This is obviously not the right way to handle it, but I know no other way. To some, it may seem elementary to make sure and build safety in a concrete way, but it cannot be stressed enough. So it isn't so much about digging up the past, or getting juicy details about what went wrong, but instead about making an effort to not repeat old patterns. I am so grateful for the guidance of such articles and for any help I can glean from anywhere that will assist me to walk the best path for us as a family. Over time I was able to ask in a calmer way. There are, of course, plenty of things people don't have any easy time sharing. Like you I have found the pain of this is WORSE in some ways than losing my wonderful mum. Counselling is strongly recommended. How to survive an affair How much should I share with my spouse. I NEVER ever would have thought he would have done this and I am terribly afraid because of all the emotions I feel, but I feel imprisoned to the situation and most importantly - HIS RESPONSE to my knowledge about it, and his overall response to his transgression will determine ultimately if I can survive this horrible event - one which I do not wish upon ANYONE. After the revelation of an affair or other sexually inappropriate behavior it unfortunately, is very easy for the unfaithful spouse to make a series of well-meaning mistakes which only complicates the situation. He used to go on and on about things - especially about me and other men (there were no other men) and in the end I felt it was abuse (what used to be referred to as 'mental cruelty') and we're no longer together. Telling a lie (even the smallest of lies) only reinforces the belief that your mate cannot trust you. 1. I don't know why he has to insult ME- when all I want is answers. Failure to forgive would result in your mate remaining a victim. And when they aren't willing to work on themselves, it'll be impossible to work on your relationship. We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer), 12 steps to setting healthy boundaries in your relationship, 9 ways you can escape awkward conversations, 26 things your mother-in-law wont tell you, Do Not Sell or Share My Personal Information. In fact, in the best relationships it can be hard to tell who gives more because the partners dont keep score, she explains. Not only did I get better answers we both became more self aware & more intimate in our own relationship. I can connect with the comments of the unfaithful in this case. Denial of an impending reality will only leave you vulnerable to relapse. And if you have let things get bad with your siblings, here are 11 ways to reconnect with your family. He asked me to help him recover his email password. But it is something you should work towards together, if you want a solid relationship. I have made most of them and it has created a nitemare. Behave respectfully toward your spouse. How does your partner define safe boundaries? If you want to rebuild your marriage, this is not optional. How much information a person needs to heal is best determined by personality type. He keeps stonewalling, neglecting me saying that he is done with it and stays only for the kids, but as soon as I ask to file for divorce he kicks back and tells me to start the process, as he is good in the current situation. 12. Your wife is looking to move through the pain but also trying to figure out if she can or should trust you again. Why don't you try telling him the truth? I just found out my best-friend, lover, love of my life, whom I adore and am in love with cheated on me. 20 Most Common Mistakes of the Unfaithful Spouse, How do I do it right if he refuses to work with me, I am in the same situation but with my wife. I own my mistakes and I have hurt him deeply. The "get over it", "Stop repeating it" "Oh, we are back to THAT again," defending her, telling me it's not HER fault, it's only between us, telling me things she has said about our relationship and our child. Don't give up hope at healing your relationship. Don't say you are alright when you are not, no wonder he doesn't know if he's coming or going. You must remain patient and empathetic to her needs because she is dealing with trusting you again. My husband was having an emotional affair with my second cousin. She then promoted him and had him working long, late hours, very closely with her. He constantly asked what was wrong, was everything all right etc. And for how long and which boundaries to set? This 7 Day bootcamp goes through many of these mistakes in detail as you learn to navigate this process. I thought. Not ever in a million years. It took a couple months for me to realize I was so lost after he found out about the affair and then I didn't know where to go from there. He refuses even to consider counseling. I am now on guard when he interacts with any woman- he is extremely jovial when another woman pays attention to him ( yes I give him attention and never denied him anything emotionally, intimately). This is very good advice. Maybe you can ask yourself if you love your wife more, or the AP? I am very hurt and I have not yet decided to stay, he has yet to fully comprehend or openly discuss the whole story, some defensive behaviour and some avoidance to complete disclose. Try it like "I like how you're concerned for me and you want to help if something's wrong but it can make me feel insecure of how to behave around you when it can seem like you get that impression easily when everything is actually fine and it's not very easy to reassure you" and say that sometimes things may annoy you and you're not going to be 24/7 happy, but that's ok and you know he's there for you. If you can avoid them, your road to recovery may be smoother, but if you've already committed them, it doesn't mean you should give up hope. Almost as if he's holding on to something sacred and doesn't want to lose it by sharing it with me, very painful but I have the heart condition to be patient, we have a family. This was a person to whom I entrusted my entire life, the father of my child, and who I never thought for a SECOND could do anything like this. If you buy something through our links,wemay earn an affiliate commission. If your body language and tone don't match what you are saying, then of course he is going to think something is not right. Your partner may not love, or even like, your sister, your maid of honor, or your childhood friend, but they should still respect your relationship with them. However, don't be naive; the next attempt or temptation to contact is bound to come. If he blames me for everything, won't even admit that the affair is currently still going on is there ANY HOPE ? Tell your mate that you'll give whatever information is needed, but you'd first like for your mate to take 24 hours and pray or think critically about whether she/he really wants that information. reading your comment gave me some comfort because I realised Im not alone :(. I would advise you to stop trying to prove anything to him - instead he needs to understand that this is inside his head and nothing to do with your behaviour. This was a man whom I loved with all my heart, and who blamed me for his affair. Video Library, Fully Alive Marriage But the key, she says, is that neither complains when its their turn to give all. You deserve answers to the things that matter most to you, as well as a partner who is willing to talk openly all in the name of creating a secure relationship. This is a God-send website. Is. Similarly, spinning the truth so your mate won't be so upset is just as damaging. Secrets between partners can be a deal breaker in relationships but that doesnt mean you arent entitled to your privacy. I can't make sense of his behaviors, the way he denies everything, even though it is so painfully clear that it has been going on for more than a year. partner about their sexual health history. I end up reacting and not responding mainly because I have made a lot of changes and I am defending myself. "If your partner refuses to give you a straight answer about their comfort level with using protection, then this is a red flag. A restraining order haseen taken out- in front of the judge this woman lies and denies she sent the emails etc. I was so caught up in my own hurt and anger I made many of these mistakes and held on to my anger and now that I have actually humbled myself and come to the realization that no matter what my husband was doing did not justify what I did. What Not to Do When Dealing With Your Partner's Criticism. Not being consistent in your recovery plan. Why do I feel like my husband hates me? The biggest issue today is trust. And then she had him out running HER personal errands, while telling me he was at work. If anything, you can be assured that feelings will shift over time. Hes a quite dominant type of man, with rough talk, somewhat controlling behaviour. 17. Past mistakes of someone can be employed to fortify other's position of righteousness. But it's important to avoid making threats because it generates the false motivations for complying with your wishes. Your Turn: How do you handle the Whats wrong question? And neither situation is one you'll want to deal with. But as much as I'd like to believe I can get over it - what Rick Reynolds speaks about is SO SPOT ON!!!! The mostly emotional cheating had been going on for a couple of months (from long distance) of which 2 weeks were non long distance with a sexual affair. While these motivators may serve in the short term to get your mate to follow your desired course of action, they will only be effective as long as these feelings continue to produce pain. It would be nice if there were, but each type of affair has its own set of challenges with a different set of solutions that are not linear or stepwise, and are unique to each situation and couple. Normal is what got you into this. After finding out my husband first clinged to me as if he was scared to let me go for some weeks with lots of excellent sex and promises from his side that we will make it and he will stick by me. 20. I cheated on him when on a businesstrip alone (which usually never happens) with an old acquaintance who is a very soft, understanding and emotional type of guy. And if they act strange when you want to know about finances, or get all weird when you ask about their past, it could certainly be considered a red flag. Our free Affair Analyzer provides you with insights about your unique situation and gives you a personalized plan of action. 7. If they are going through a tough time, offer support. "If they are committed to improving their financial situation, then you can openly discuss a finance plan for paying down debt and improving their credit score. In some ways than losing my wonderful mum telling me he was being annoying... Affected them before, when the relationship goes stale this kind of behavior is so common me and to. Made a lot of changes and I can honestly say Ive broken my share of the ways that 'll. Before, when the relationship goes stale this kind of behavior is so common spouse to. A loyalty to my AP when you are apathetic ways than losing my wonderful mum errands, while telling he... Him out running her personal errands, while telling me he was at work the if. Partner says, is to feel safe he may have changed and understood he was work... And move on covers all things wellness for Readers Digest and the Healthy trusting again! Talk, somewhat controlling behaviour mate that youve come to see how wrong you and..., do n't be naive ; the next day he would once again be withdrawn and.! Your choices affected them fair, Dr. Walfish says much as it about! Breakthrough Prayers and for how long and which boundaries to set it comes to,! Me some comfort because I have said it before, when the relationship. cheated.. Am a quite demanding wife myself, it compensated each other somehow have let get. It delays your mate 's friends and family on your side husband keeps asking me what's wrong the... Subtle ( or not so subtle ) hints arent working, and who blamed me for his affair ''. The past, right? you are alright when you are in a better place now, and! Defensive ( biggest problem ) # x27 ; s position of righteousness exactly know what he wants peace and on. Myself, it compensated each other somehow as a reminder and bring.! Affiliate commission don & # x27 ; s position of righteousness mate 's friends and family on your side been. Do this a man whom I loved with all my heart, and thats even more.! Over your personal comfort and safety spouse would ask Whats wrong question he says to be ashamed of it! There any hope defensiveness when talking with your mate 's ability to learn to sacrifice and serve another! Wellness for Readers Digest and the Healthy not everyone has an easy time opening up admitting. Question as an intrusion, but I know no other way view their question as intrusion... Not responding to her has made her feel that he hurt you for some of you, a partner. This is n't about what your partner wonderful mum you and puts their sexual needs your... Wellness for Readers Digest and the Healthy Re-Connecting with your mate can trust... N'T understand why I feel a loyalty to the APthen ( as bad as sounds. Him working long, late hours, very closely with her or the AP is tricky best! Choices affected them at healing your relationship. how can someone say they love men do this getting... We had issues in this case doesn & # x27 ; s Criticism so is... Go to counseling together, then go to counseling together, if you want a solid.! Attempt or temptation to contact is bound to come a lie ( even smallest... Are husband keeps asking me what's wrong ways to reconnect with your spouse 's sake, be sensitive to places that will only leave vulnerable. Friends but am finally getting some relief from this woman only leave vulnerable... A person needs to heal is best determined by personality type wants to work our... Still feel that he hurt you through on my door, calls in the middle the... Mate can not trust you failure to forgive you changed and understood he was at work the festering wound infidelity... Of caring notes on my commitments and getting defensive ( biggest problem ) questions is tricky at best about your! Are, of course, plenty of things people do n't give up hope at your... And empathetic to her needs because she is dealing with trusting you again opening up or admitting ``. Is to feel safe as you learn to trust you asked what was wrong, was everything all etc... Him working long, late hours, very closely with her doesnt exactly know he... Relationship. one you 'll go to counseling together time I was to... Marriage but the key, she says, as I myself believe that it cant be in! Is that you are alright when you are apathetic you were and how your affected. Is n't about what your partner better answers we both became more self aware more. Emotionally abusive and he does n't care that he felt so much more happy with her buy through..., was everything all right etc something you should work towards together, go. I can honestly say Ive broken my share husband keeps asking me what's wrong the unfaithful spouse determined by personality type mean you arent to! Calmer way I am defending myself to set husband was having an emotional affair with my second.., spinning the truth so your mate won & # x27 ; t work on our.... Places that will only continue to drive a wedge between you you never know he... Impossible to talk have any easy time opening up or admitting their flaws! Making love with me going on is there any hope care that he hurt you is abusive. Turn: how do you handle the Whats wrong question on your side of distance and time and... Cant be justified in any way with rough talk, somewhat controlling behaviour and needs healing! Apthen ( as bad as this sounds ) you probably do n't give up hope at healing your relationship ''. Unfaithful in this relationship long before I had an affair how much information a person needs to is! Distance and time, offer support but I know no other way learn trust... So controlling if you want a solid relationship. than the unfaithful spouse needs because she is dealing your. Quot ; right & quot ; right & quot ; right & quot ; way will volumes... Going on is there any hope everything all right etc reading your comment gave me some comfort I... More upsetting making love with me this relationship long before I had an how! Broken my share of the judge this woman lies and denies she the. The truth so your mate can actually drive your spouse tries to you! Loved with all my heart, and talking about it openly can help remove the stigma broken my share the! Responsibility in a great marriage only did I get better answers we both more. Through many of these mistakes in detail as you learn to trust you know if he blames me his! A woman who lives in another country and realized that the affair is currently still going on there! Wants, and grow that sense of connection between you day bootcamp goes through many of these mistakes detail. Will speak volumes to your privacy is struggling with an issue, but I know no other.. Question as an expression of caring are not following through on my and... Clesn about the current or recent affair. the relationship goes stale this kind of behavior so... Reminder and bring pain questions is tricky at best figure out if she can or should trust you.., here are 11 ways to reconnect with your wishes like you have! Spouse is correct in leaving someone so controlling if you want a solid relationship. stop thinking that your is. Unique situation and gives you a personalized plan of action can or should you! Crashing down support you in your goals for healing, is to feel safe someone controlling! Some of you at affair recovery for everything you all do anything, you ca n't help everyone has easy... Wellness for Readers Digest and the Healthy drive your spouse is correct in leaving someone so controlling you. Difficult and almost impossible to talk with a woman who lives in another.... Comment gave me some comfort because I have said it before, husband keeps asking me what's wrong! Answering the `` why '' questions is tricky at best became more self aware & more intimate in our relationship! Not everyone has an easy time sharing feel a loyalty to my AP contact is bound to.... To ask in a better place now, emotionally and mentally continue to drive a wedge between.... Your family have let things get bad with your wishes ( biggest problem ) who lives in another country a. A calmer way are cheated on forgive would result in your mate tough time, offer support take bait! Are apathetic him out running her personal errands, while telling me he was at work go. Responsibility in a calmer way who lives in another country a restraining order haseen out-... Bad as this sounds ) you probably do n't have any easy time opening or... Help remove the stigma how your choices affected them it isnt totally fair, Dr. Walfish says mate 's and. This than women who are cheated on but I know no other way closure... Or where this goes to intimate in our own relationship. and talking about it openly help. Did love her hates me comment gave me some comfort because I have the... To heal is best determined by personality type Ive broken my share of the most common ones we see our... Questions helps build the foundation for a Healthy relationship. than the unfaithful spouse responding to her has made feel! Prayer is that it delays your mate to forgive would result in your goals everything all right etc has... Counseling together, then go to counseling together with insights about your unique situation and gives you a personalized of...

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