i was relieved when my husband died
She was in ICU with a tube down her throat writing that she was in pain. You can walk into your local emergency room or call the suicide hotline 1 (800) 273-8255 (if you are in the US) and +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90 (if you are in the UK). Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. The nurse said she will probaby be gone within 24 hours. He is scheduled to be released into a less secure setting in a couple of weeks, but hes already started using again, sneaking cocaine into the nursing home at least four times. I lost my dad 7 years ago due to illness and my pet just now due to illness. Id give anything to have a healthy Stanley back in my life. It was painful to be near him and I often didnt have anything to do with him for long stretches of time and avoided him as best I could. In the end I secretly hoped he would pass on his own terms so my parents wouldnt have to make any decisions (Ie. Its certainly not my primary emotion. She died in hospital to an unrelated issue and I have been feeling guilty for the small sense of freedom I have been feeling. Life is life, loss is loss, and the stress of caregiving is the same regardless. So right now Im just ok, heartbroken at times. I lost my alcoholic dad recently and have been confused by my relief. Hi, Im so sorry to hear that youre going through all of this. robert October 25, 2022 at 1:38 am Reply, for 4 weeks ive been grieving over my soulmate of 59 years making the transition and sleeping every day for 11 hours each day, i decided to retire this eve when this warm feeling of relief wafted over me, how could this be? I know that when he passes, I will be devastated at the loss of any more chances for him to recover, but I will feel relief that everyone in his life is safe from his abuse. I figured I would have some big emotional breakdown when he passed, much like I did when we found out he was sick, but instead it was a feeling of relief for him. It sounds like youve been through a huge amount. Unfortunately this feeling of relief in my case was quickly filled with shock, trauma, and pain so unbearable I didnt think I would survive. One of the three people in my life that I love deadly and I shouted at him. It was a long struggle in which I was his sole caregiver. Thanks for this. I am also glad to realize that there are others that feel relief along with the sadness. RELIEF WHEN A SPOUSE DIES by Brenda Coffee // October 19, 2019 Brenda's Blog Death of a Spouse Endings and Beginnings Healing Voices Share this story Yesterday I called a friend whose husband died two months ago after years of numerous and serious medical problems. He has a son out there somewhere that weve never met. But now I am about to lose my mom. Thanks for validating my feelings of relief, though you are not the only ones. It means were still here, and we know that life goes on. These relationships are often marital or parent/child relationships, but can be true of any type of relationship where a person feels constantly trapped and controlled by another person. Death often comes after a period of intense and prolonged pain, anxiety, worry, fear, and suffering. I feel horrible about it for so long I was just so bitchy at him a lot he lived with me and my parents and I was like that with my parents too. And, as always, subscribe over on the sidebar to get our new posts right to your inbox! I want my snuggler. Kathy Mawer June 3, 2016 at 7:44 am Reply. Its what Ive been saying myself for many years now. My mother is now very unwell and I am so burnt out trying to be empathetic to her although it continues to haunt me how disinterested and detached she has been as a parent to me. I dont feel any judgement for you at all. Your son is free and possibly somehow you know he is happy now. My husband, Marty Concannon, was murdered by a depraved sociopath in 1980. He said that a woman on . Please feel free to comment back. All of my life Ive always been the one to encourage others, but Im at the point where I need someone to encourage me. I have found a lot of education, support and understanding in your blog and appreciate what you do very much. In fact, I was glad that I and the world were finally rid of them and their destructive actions. Regardless, you've survived one of the biggest 'pattern interrupts' of your lifetime. Im still soooo mad at her though. Ive never had an apology and my husband knows how much that has hurt me but does and says nothing. It also shares useful coping tools, and helps the reader reflect on their unique relationship with grief and loss. When she eventually passes it will be over and that will give me a sense of relief. I promise you that! Wondering where he was, what he was doing, him begging for money, and expecting his death were all very stressful for myself. As an adult, after she died, I found the paper with the real score. I just dont understand how to hold that space of relief. You can also subscribe without commenting. There is no magic way to resolve your guilt,but what we hope you will remember from today's post, if nothing else, is that relief is extremely common and incredibly normal in grief. She went from a warm, caring, active woman to an individual unaware of her surroundings and in constant pain in just a few months; and I changed into a full-time caregiver. As Im in my fifties, I had 2 day jobs for 25yrs then raised kids for 15yrs, I want to do what I want now while I still can. Im sorry this was so long, I actually tried to be brief and for that I truly apologize. I truly understand. After the ambulance took him that nite, after he fell two more times while the ambulance attendants tried to get him down the stairs and loaded up I told him I would see him tomorrow and that I loved him very much. Please take care of yourself. In the end she had trouble walking so she was in and out of hospitals and rehab facilities to get her to walk. He was funny, caring, artistic, smartsimply full of life and love. My husband died 11 months ago after an extremely long illness where he suffered beyond all human comprehension. Yes. He had limited hospice care. My mom was a very broken person, manipulative and loving at the same time. I lost her at least 3 years ago anyways and Ive been carrying the burden since then of seeing her even further slip away. I pray daily to never treat anyone mean and hateful, because words hurt so bad and they can remain in your soul long after death. Shes convinced that he could never be supportive. Laurie Nelson July 12, 2019 at 1:18 pm Reply. Glad he finally died. No. I cant stand wondering if he is in a good place now I wish I knew but that wont happen till I pass too. I feel guilty about that, too. I want my Stanley back. Thank you for this post. https://whatsyourgrief.com/grieving-someone-you-didnt-like/, https://whatsyourgrief.com/anticipatory-grief/, https://www.legacycommunityhealth.org/services/behavioral-health/. Six weeks after my husband died, one of my children, age 16, told me she was a transgender girl. Your brother was lucky to have such a loving brother as yourself taking care of him. But one emotion of many after his passing was feeling relief. Your doctor really shouldnt be prescribing those. Why the hell would my private medical business come up as a topic of conversation with her friends?? I feel horribly guilty that Im not sorry my father in law passed away 2 years ago. Suzanne October 4, 2019 at 11:36 pm Reply. I had to go through my charismatic lovable (when he wasnt using) funny lil brothers death twice. I go to sleep and wake up drained, then I go over and go thru his belongings to donate to the needy, he would like that, he used to feed the homeless who live under viaducts whenever he could. I tried mission impossible to create understanding and peace. She said I was having a mental breakdown and need ed to see my Dr ASAP. I feel bad for the kids because they liked him. Only will feel enormous relief to be free of this very difficult and unhappy relationship. Im worried about how her grief will impact the kids, that theyll feel responsible for her emotional state. Thats the case here, too. My relief came like a wind through me when I first looked at my Autistic son hanging by a rope after he killed himself. Relief, finally good sleep at night. Volunteer your time to help others. She died in 2017. If you are elsewhere just google suicide hotline and your country name. Its hard to describe the intense sense of relief I felt, yet so many people could not understand and still expected me to cry and carry on. He fed conflict in the coparenting relationship. I was his sole caregiver and had moved from my wife and foingo the house I provided for my best friend. I was her caregiver and I was exhausted. I am 30 years old and now? Relief is an emotion I think many do feel ashamed of, despite how common it is. Im sad for myself and my brother because we werent ready for her to be taken away. She has been battling cancer since 2006. Brenda Cottrell June 25, 2019 at 11:20 pm Reply, Thank you . You need grief counseling. We will be thinking of you and hope our site is of some support in the months to come. I babysit these kids and their mom just passed away. Shazza Gilbert May 31, 2016 at 1:13 pm Reply. In a healthy, non-abusive relationship, both parties will feel some sort of pain or loss after a relationship . Rewind to 3wks ago. The roller coaster of emotion whips over high peaks, spins, and dips, over and over again - it's thrilling, and it's scary, and it's one hell of a ride. He was always trying to take my husbands place as their father. Myth: Feeling relief in this situation means you wanted the person you love to die. However, with my pet i feel sad, but also relief which I did not feel with family. 2. I have the same feelings of relief guilt. But even though I sobered up, it wasnt enough reason for her to stop as well. I dont quite know how to describe it and maybe its just a lot of energy with no place to go now he isnt here to fuss over, but its kind of an empty, shocked feeling. Sarah October 29, 2020 at 10:55 pm Reply. Because I read your words and you clearly loved your brother intensely. When my husband told me, that same feeling of relief rushed over me. Loved this post and how relief is framed here. relief is one G/Ds most precious & timely, building blocks of healing and recovery that is provided for us all. I miss him so much, but I can't tell anyone that life is easier without him. I can finally live my life free from her abuse. Thank you for posting this. Ive really been forging a new path in life for myselfbut a majority of the grief landmines I run into come from the relief I felt. Here are a few quick tips on how to adjust to life alone when your husband dies: Declutter your home, clean out the closets, go through the attic and basement. A woman who declared her husband had died in the horrific train crash in Odisha last week - in which nearly 300 people were killed - so she could claim lakhs in compensation offered by the central . I felt like you were speaking directly to me. Cant see doing it another way. But MIL called back angry and shouting, falsely accusing ME of claiming I had the POA (I was only too acutely aware as that had been a painful process for my husband). A couple of days after he died, I asked my son and God for a sign that he was at okay and at peace. I cant admit that to anyone else without them Im a monster, so Im sending it out into the internet. Im so glad for that rainbow you were given! I am on the other side of the situation now, where I have a brother (32 years old) that has been using narcotics for the past 10 years, most of the time living in our family home and being physically and financially abusive to my parents. Thank you for letting me share. That was the toughest thing to witness and then learn to accept. To give you a background of it all, my parents are toxic (verbally abusive; my mom is worse). Can't see doing it another way. Your actions leading up to that moment are those of a real life angel. Six weeks after my husband died, one of my children, age 16, told me she was a transgender girl. My wife and son keep trying to talk to man about it but they just dont understand the guilt I feel. She treated him terribly and of course that left him always angry and terribly miserable with life. I didn't!" I pray that Im not sounding selfish, however, if it had not been for God on my side leading and guiding me, I would not have made it through this painful time in my life. Feeling like that has made me feel a little guilty. In some ways I know he not in pain anymore. I have had 2 of these experiences in the last 4 years. Context: my husband died almost a year ago. Tyler still requires daily meds and occasional subQs, but if I miss them for a couple of days, he doesnt die, he just maybe gets constipated. We were inseperable for a year unless he was in the hospital or nursing home. I loved the healthy/clean him so much. I loved him, he love me , although throughout our marriage he was not the type of man to show emotions. But this article was very helpful! I felt so selfish that I was so relieved I didnt have to take of or worry about him anymore. But with the disease, he was scary, manipulative, dishonest, unpredictable, selfish, uncaring, and abusive. He became aggressive and uncontrollable, me having an anxiety disorder and major depression fell even deeper. You can love your wife with every fiber of your being, still be sad she's hurting, be frustrated because of the stress, and be relieved that she's not suffering. But then she adds, with a stricken look, "I feel terrible about feeling relieved. I've been trying to pick through my feelings and figure them out some today. I completely understand feeling guilty, but please know this: You did not do anything wrong. And theres a degree of schadenfreude mixed in, as theyve caused us a lot of pain and stress. Thanks, Kathy, Kathy Mawer August 10, 2016 at 7:45 pm Reply. But he did steal, lie, manipulate and suck the life out of our family through his addiction a painful 18 years jail, prison, losing every job. A couple hours later she was gone. With the rest of the living family and thats not much left, I have disowned them too. Today I re read the posting and decided to read all the comments as well. He tried to set fire to the house twice so I couldnt shut my eyes for a minute. After she died in Dec 2018 I was actually relieved that she fid not suffer any longer, but now almost 3 months later, I feel guilty but also I know I do not need to feel so. She insulted my husband and told me my sister was her best friend. Steve suffered for over twenty years from alcoholism and bipolar disorder. I would strongly suggest that as a first step if you have not done so and it may be helpful specifically to look for someone who works in not just grief, but also trauma. When he was picked up with the ambulance do to his aggression and uncontrollable behavior do to his dementia. This, I think has had an enormous impact on my husband and our relationship has begun to deteriorate after 25 yrs together. I was able to give him soft loveat the end, which is the best memory I will ever have. You can feelrelief that distressing emotions and physical pain have ended, but this relief does not lessen the devastation and intense sadness caused by the death of a person who you love very dearly. She was unwell in so many ways for so many years. I think this will really help me process things, thank you so much. I cant seem to get over this loss it is killing me. I love him, and miss him so very much and would give anything if he were still here but healthy and happy with life. That day was such a beautiful day, I had even commented how good his color was and how well he was talking as the stroke caused his speech issues. Tamara Head November 3, 2019 at 12:21 am Reply. Frankie, Im so sorry for your loss. He feels like he cant function w/o her. He and we often spoke about the two Steves. I deeply miss the real Steve. I cry daily wishing that I could walk with him, laugh with him or go to a ballgame with him. Thats what eats me the most. 2. It was a relief when he finally died," the 80-year-old wife confesses, a month after her spouse finally succumbed to a slowly spreading lung cancer. I drained 2 liters of fluid from an inserted catheter in his side every other day. Keep the conversation going by sharing your question, comment thought or experience with relief in the comments below. I know he would have, just would have dragged his feet, and ours, on taking any action. I could see how absolutely lost he was. I felt like a monster when my dear sweet dog of 11 years died last week and the wave of relief washed over me. Doing this only made things worse because all members reported to be desperately missing their loved ones and would do anything to have them back. She still cracked some jokes from time to time but for the most part, she just didnt want to live any longer. #1 A angel2write MyPTSD Pro My dad came to the end of a terminal illness that's lasted for about a year last night. There is another cause if relief which you didnt mention. Assumption # 1: People often think they experience emotions one-at-a-time. Jack Hendron January 13, 2019 at 8:58 pm Reply. No, emotions are not mutually exclusive. He said fuck you to me, it wasnt him anymore and I shouted at him to please use the toilet. I just read your story and I feel compelled to write to you. It can create emotional, financial and legal issues for families. Whatever you call it, happiness, relief, feeling justice, karma, the lessening of a very big burden, etc..it is not in our plans how that relief was found, but it is still better than the constant anxiety and stress. About 6 weeks later my mom died after getting COVID pneumonia she had combative Alzheimers dementia. Darlene Seals August 28, 2019 at 6:16 pm Reply. The first ex is not too far out of the grave, either. Keep Follow, DreamChrist Will Tell You About Symbols In Your Sleep. I always felt like I am not at home, or I am (my soul) trapped in my body and this is not where I belong at all. Oh Jo, timing is an amazing thing sometimes. WYG provides general educational information from mental health professionals, but you should not substitute information on the Whats Your Grief website for professional advice. Ive never thought about it the way you describe, in terms of there being the two of them the person you loved, and their addiction. My mom had lung cancer. Updated on August 12, 2021 Verywell / Catherine Song As a therapist, I already knew a thing or two about grief at least on an intellectual level. The odds were in favor . I pressured the nurse for more pain meds, to do whatever they could to make her more comfortable. When my husband died, the pain was so intense that I wondered whether I would survive it. I was swept with this relief and it stoped me for a minute. We started process of divorce b/c I couldnt take the actions from his addiction any longer. As much as I know that guilt is not healthy or fair to myself, I still feel it a lot. Reading your post was a comfort to me. People keep telling me "I'll feel better in time," but I've spoken to bereaved friends and neighbors, and most of them don't feel better. I lived him, but I hated his addiction and what it did to my family, Ruth November 19, 2017 at 8:38 am Reply. That was five years of it, plus Tyler had his issues off and on; Zander (RIP) had his until 2016; and I lost Blue to CKD a few months before Stanley appeared, and Ophelia in 2015 at 21. Emergency workers were able to get a pulse and he was rushed to the hospital. He felt his Autism was a curse. I love and miss them so much. It's also human to feel a tinge of relief when the distress youfelt as a result of havingto watch your loved one struggle has come to an end. Sure I miss him and cry sometimes and will continue, but I feel joyful in knowing that he is no longer in pain and suffering. Isabelle Siegel January 26, 2021 at 11:19 am Reply. I miss him everyday but, walk forward in strength. What you are feeling is just normal . But he did rape me . He was an intelligent Autistic which they call Savants. Just horrible people who, like you say, just need gone. We will miss him dearly, but he was in so much pain and misery and there was nothing anyone could do. I dont understand it at all. But that relief was also married with a relief that he was no longer in pain mental and physical. I have accepted he is going to die, and I actually feel a degree of peace when I think about it. After my husband died I fervently wished I could die, too. If you have not read it, we do have a post about traumatic loss here. Joan christenson October 21, 2018 at 2:35 pm Reply. Your article completely confirmed that for me and I feel even better now about that emotion of relief. Its as if she is still around. They were hogtied, gagged and beaten in their motel room in Tucson before being. As with your letter writer, I experienced both grief and relief when my spouse died. I have worked through much of it but it still jumps up at me once in a while. Because of lockdown only my husband and his brother could be with MIL at the tiny funeral so there was a memorial service October 2022. I tried attending a support group because I feel very misunderstood by the people in my life and society. We knew he hadnt been 100% after his lymph glands were up in the summer, we told him to go to the Dr and get it investigated. Victoria Morales March 13, 2021 at 8:51 am Reply, I feel exactly the same. I never got to see him alive again. You my friend have sewn that up in a nut shell. But now he passed that pain to me. To me, it seems a logical conclusion that in light of all that, Id feel relieved, and personally, not even sad that theyre gone. I was the scapegoat who took the abuse. In 2005, my 82 year old father died unexpectedly. I have not cried since he died and am feeling relief that he is no longer suffering but also relief that I dont have to deal with the pain of our relationship any more. Antonia Potter June 13, 2021 at 2:53 pm Reply. Fact: Much like with addiction, all youwanted was for your loved one to find manageable treatment for their mental illness so their suffering could end. That didnt stop me from feeling that a horrible person feeling relief when my husband passed from an accidental overdose. Life is so hard at times when things are going good And then to add these negatives At times can be unbearable. Our son, now 21, has likewise had suicidal ideation all his life and was hospitalized for it four weeks ago but is now out. I certainly wont cry over them either! All the best to you. I guess I lied to him. The physical changes and deterioration happened so fast, we were still trying to wrap our head around the diagnosis. One of the things I've identified that I'm feeling is relief. I had Bern cleaning up after him but I just could no longer keep up. When I found dad on the 1st, I knew he was gone, but I also want to know why did I feel that relief for a few short minutes?? I do not understand it, and have no way of explaining it this time. But the second, and this is the one I struggle with, is that Im also relieved I dont have to be around him anymore or feel guilty for not inviting him into my life. But i dont feel sad or i wanna cry . This book discusses some of the most common grief experiences and breaks down psychological concepts to help you understand your thoughts and emotions. My dad just passed away from Pancreatic Cancer. I grieved him before he even died knowing deep down he wouldnt survive. If someone asked me how I felt about my brother dying, would I respond relieved? Of course not. I was actually googling how does one feel after a death of a loved one after terminal illness and came across this site. But I still cry my eyes out at times. My husband has COVID right now and Im kind of happy about that because now I can just relax and not do too much. You may have had a warning, perhaps not. IQ of 148. Thank you for this post. I had other older relatives I felt a huge amount of sadness and loss when they passed. I did survive and decided to learn and write about the pain of loss and the process of healing. I lost my son age 34 to heroin/fentanyl overdose almost 3 mos ago. After writing online articles forWhats Your Grief for over a decade, we finally wrote a tangible, real-life book! I dont have the urge to cry, I have good people to talk to, but I cant relate to grief books at all. After much thought, the only reason I could see for the feeling was my knowledge of how much he feared lingering after a stroke as so many in the family have, and he went quickly. She was such a good person and her having a 4 year old daughter and a 7 year old son. He told me this sometimes daily. However, in many situations, you can (and often do) feel multiple emotions at the same time. This article talks about relief as an emotion that people sometimes feel in grief, but this type of relief is small and minuscule when compared with the intense feelings of pain these same people feel because their loved one is gone. Lists to Help you Through Any Loss wherever you buy books: We post a new article to Whats Your Grief about once a week. We've listed it off a time or two on WYG when discussing common responses to loss, but we'll admit we've only touched on it in passing. And relief that I no longer would have to handle things that I was totally unprepared for and incapable of doing. , so Im sending it out into the internet have had 2 of experiences. Feel sad or I wan na cry be thinking of you and hope our site is of some in. How does one feel after a death of a loved one after terminal illness and came across this.! Sad for myself and my husband and told me my sister was her best friend to show emotions that was! 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