my dad puts me down in front of others

my dad puts me down in front of others

That youre worthy of love. Maybe it is time to end this toxic relationship. Can anyone give me advice, please!?? Calling me horrible name, telling me how worthless I am as a mother, wife, friend, employee. Youre graceful. I dont buy new furniture or have a nice home because I was always told I didnt deserve anything nice. Thanks so much for this JAM. Tonight again he doesnt love me and again I have to go to work where I can barely function because I dont know what to think. I dont owe anyone my serenity, not even him. Sometimes hell make fun of me in a cruel manner in front of his friends. I often go there to that place on the inside, and connect that time with a thread to who I am now, to help build continuity before so much of who I was was interrupted. I try to show rescept. I tried talking to her in private about how hurtful her comments are, and she said she was glad I told her. We split up for about 3 months now we have been back together for 5. She would call me just horriable names & raise her voice, yell, & scream towards me I am 18yrs. Learned how to become my own best friend. The main fact is you are doing all the right stuff and he is attempting to control you. They find faults in everything I do. I have been bawling my eyes, i have eaten nothing and the only consolation i get from my mother is eat your food. I have crying for hours and no one has come even once to say Im her or i know your sis was wrong hell no one has even come to wipe my tears. Distance yourself from the abuse. Thanks so much for this Davis. The man was caught and he died in prison. You have abundant capability and an untapped future. I was married 21 years to an abusive alcoholic who was in and out of jail. A power thats been there, just waiting for you to remember it. In the heart. Relate charity number: 207314, Company number: 394221 (Registered in England and Wales). my plan was to get out of this life by getting and job and saving up money to live somewhere away from them and start a new and healty life but job are so hard to find in where i live. She snaps at me for what I do wrong. Three experts weigh in on just four basic tips to guide your parenting. Obviously theres so much more to every relationship but for now, for a year now Ive began to doubt my self worth and really where I stand. I was never forgiven for this. In India the beauty standards are such that fair is beautiful and I had this bff who was fair and I was dusky. I am so happy , I am more positive and sleep so much better . Even when I was introduced to their friends or people they knew, I could see an opinion of me was already formed. Since Im really experiencing being put down after marriage and been married for 23 years now. Wish me luck. Be the most boring victim for him. I am surviving as best I can- he is much, much older so, one day, he will no longer be a part of this-I am waiting for that day. Hello everyone, I am just reaching out to vent a bit and to ask what other men in my position do. We have been married a long time, have grown kids. He can be an amazing father from under a separate roof! None spoke to me for years and them we started talking again. So, I had no choice but to leave that church and never look back. Ive always struggled with self-esteem because of my own traumatic background. If you feel insufficient in your parenting role, overriding your partners direction for your child could be a type of defense mechanism to mask your own parental insecurities, English says. Tbh i was a fucking bright student in Math, physics and chem. Every interaction is about what the child did not do, or how the child could do better. I ignore it now because I just learned not to care, if someone really cares they would not want to hurt you and make you feel less then. What youre putting up with is NOT okay. Out of nowhere, he turns into a asshole. Why are people so cruel in this world? Ive been ridiculed, insulted, ripped off and had my self esteem destroyed, ahhh but there were times they were nice to me. She would constantly put me down and try to get make me feel left out so she could be the one, or whatever she thinks. For little things like forgetting to grab my keys, when Im sick and stuffed up with mucous. We get on very well but whenever we are with my family and friends he becomes snappy, shouts at me and is rude to me. I though that when you had a partner you are there through thick and thin..it hurts me to know that I dont have the same support I have givin to him and continue to give himI felt so alone and now i know Im not. :/ God bless and remember none of this is your fault, as the above post points out, give the abuser the responsibility or blame x, You call your mom with a 5 minute timer on. Do you know if thos is a major problem or am i just overreacting? Parenting isnt an easy job, but parenting while being undermined by your co-parent can be especially challenging and frustrating. ", Your mom might threaten to not communicate with you if things don't go her way. Good-natured teasing also escapes the criteria for being toxic. Whats a loving gesture towards yourself? Since my divorce have met the same type of man who puts me down and all I do is try to please. Answer (1 of 2): Being in his sight just me he hsts me but the other 3 he loves and spoyels and dont do no fong and are perfict get every thing never get in truble i get blamed for every thing and am grounded for good and get nothing and beat up allways just becaus he dont like punks like me neve. The controlling ways and put downs. I have been in this relationship for 6 years. Ive got very little self-esteem left and part of me feels like such a loser that I cant make it on my own. You are a cry baby. but i never get over it. When the teacher came, he was expelled and the other people that would bully me did not want to come near me because they now knew that intimidation and fear tactics had no effect. A narcissistic mother who cannot empathize damages her childrens healthy psychological development. Its hard when youre dependent on family. My dad said shes always been jealous of me.Even my mother in law says shes envious of my kind heart, and successful relationship Even now in the year 2015 our alcoholic mother is dying, getting on dialysis.And thru this whole shenanigans, shes been trying to take control of the situation. Thanks so much for being so honest in your story. These peoples opinions are not valid any opinion that hurts you is not valid! Im more confident and stable today.. Ever thru my preteen years and high school adolescence she always found a way to insult me. Dont look back. We are here for you. I need my power back. Hi muddroller22 I do everything I can for him. Hey, I came on to this site as I am trying to grow as an individual but I was questioning weather this is possible as I am with someone who puts me down and seems to get great confidence in making me feel small. You cant reach into their head and change their thoughts and behaviour, and it will always remain unacceptable to be on the receiving end of put-down behaviour (no matter how your brain might try to trick you into thinking its okay). Do you think Oh no, I hate this, I need to not say or do anything? I understsnd the internal conflict that arises from debating whether to adress the inappropriate person at the time and taking the risk they will escalate the situation or leaving. We just had a cousin of his visit and she treated me as though I was invisible. Often the best way to determine whether a comment is toxic is to ask, Would I ever say anything like that to someone else? If the answer is a resounding, No it may be an indication that the comment is venomous. Often we just take put-downs because we dont want to upset anyone or rock the boat. Does your friend mean it? I am now 41 years old. We could hypothesise about why your father behaved the way he did. I will pay for our partying and always pay half of bills and food. Ive got a family member who has dished out loads of passive-aggressive put-downs to me for years and years, and continues to do so with increasing frequency as the years go by. Im in counseling It creates behaviour that it believes will enhance that status, even if it needs to compromise or short-circuit a belief about whats right or appropriate. The danger is that if you hear this kind of talk enough, it triggers the same thinking in you. Then again being charming and nice but over the last years losing patience. Its nothing to do with you. find ppl who bring u joy to share ur life. Our website services, content, and products are for informational purposes only. Idk what to do. I dont know if hell ever change. Let them know you expect them to treat you differently. Do not engage him. I dont know if he is just showing off and spreading rumors, or if there really is something wrong with me. I just remember me not being treated like that. Angels are with you. Its just so hard. my husband puts me down, he has a temper and if I ever critize him for something like put your garbage away he gets reallly upset, tells me im the house wife and says he pays the bills so he doesnt have to lift a finger at home. I keep getting put down online by my former friend at its becoming too much. Then look for the opportunity to think about it differently, and be ready to choose a better thought. The emotional abuse she inflicted as I turned into a woman and her constant put downs almost drove me to suicide. An emotionally abusive mom will constantly put you down, shame you, and humiliate you, especially in front of others. At least, friends would be willing to hear a friend out and change their behaviour if they learned that what theyre doing is hurtful. She began to compare herself with me, while putting me down. You are allowed to be happy and feel lucky in life that is your right dont let anyone steal it from you. It helps if you have a support group like Alanon or a church. 1 Avoid reacting immediately. Age can have its advantages. In almost those exact words. Nuts! They werent saying this in funny joking you shouldnt let it get to you ways. I mean I get it shes older she knows more, but not to be exact. I am no good. At which point I lost myselfI lost who I was. Im the bad aunt for not having a closer relationship with my niece and nephews). My ex I guess thought if he kept telling me I was garbage that I would not think to move on. You deserve better. Or do you think I deserve this; Im not good enough? I can not say anything without my family jumping down my throat. If you believe your father was one of a generation of men who acted this way then [you can imagine] its not his fault, or your fault. Let me be clear: it wasnt your fault. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. Omg, so similar. I have another cousin who is also going to apply to medical school but his family is always bragging about his awesome grades and his parents always try to talk me out of it by often saying Do you have a plan B, What about pharmacy? I have been respectful to them with my response and always told myself that it didnt matter what they say but sometimes I start to make what they say my reality and I am having trouble letting go of thoughts. Today my sister insulted me by taking a video of mine and calling me a wild beast and a an angel turned into a monster. Youd think to let it go and smile would work. He treated me with respect, helped with cooking and housekeeping, carried in the groceries, held my hand, opened doors for me, gave me sentimental cards and gifts, etc. Of course I rebelled when I started working and had some independence, but my Mother still put her needs first. I always let my children know how much I loved them and my husband never abused my children only me. Your story tore at my heart. It appears they control you and your emotions by violating your boundaries and withholding needed affection from you. The point is, my feelings come out and they dont eat me up. So the abuser sets you up with hurtful jokes that upset you. I think you should abandon this worry and talk more to your mum about whats going on. I feel like Ive lost my confidence and ability to succeed on my own. Lack of respect leads to all the hate and violence we are seeing. If youre experiencing abuse whether its physical or emotional you can also call the Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 at 800-799-SAFE (7233). Most people will give up if they are getting nowhere by this time. lol Life has changed for me 360 since April. Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning, 2023 Guardian News & Media Limited or its affiliated companies. Guess its time to let him know this before I get physically sick over it. Food Insecurity Makes Disordered Eating More Likely, The Power of Plants to Help Children Focus, The Intersection of Trauma and Eating Disorders, How Machiavellianism Sways College Major Selection. mocks me, critizises how i clean the house. Please dont get wrapped up in the story that your sister is peddling and trying to get you to believe. I wish I could just get out. We are all contributing to societys welfare and good, so dont let immature, selfish people diminish you anymore! But you also deserve to be treated with respect, and you have the right to let him know that they way he behaves towards you is sometimes unacceptable. This perception is precisely what fuels this culture of put-downs; conversely, if I put someone else down, that must build my own inherent goodness. We had a baby 8 years ago and I had complications and an caesarian so I have have a podgy tum and bits, I am trying to diet and all I get is I want you back the way you were before which is not going to happen because of the caesarian. The pattern of undermining can all be avoided when you begin to understand why it may arise and work together to prevent them. We have 3 children together. I am feeling upset by some of my Dad's comments infront of DH and today, I called him out on it and had to leave the house to calm. Totally ignore them. You deserve to be treated with love and respect, and you have to be consistent in both the creation of thinking to support that belief and in changing your behaviour in ways that honour it. Your family is just rude & mean towards u & disrespectful becuzz they dont seem 2 really understand your or what u r going though I know its hard. You can introduce things that nourish your head, heart and body, because its those things that give you energy and make you feel alive. He was promoted in his job and that is all he talks about, how great he is at it, I try to talk to him and he does not even hear me. I have tried counseling before with him and he is such a good talker and can state his case calmly and smoothly, I feel like he just bull shits the counselor. It breaks my heart. This is all in front of my daughter. People will throw a 5 year old tantrum at first. Imagine you had a dear friend who you cared deeply about. Try something different for a week or two, whether its your response to his behaviour, how you choose to react or how you perceive the narrative youre in, and see what happens. I used to suffer from what is known as social anxiety which for a very long time made me scared to look at people and scared to go out of my house. look on the critics with pity. However,this comes off as an act of arrogance to them and would only worsen the situation. That is getting harder, sometimes I just wish I could be on my own without anyone to point out all my endless faults. I know you need to let your emotions out so if necessary cry in privacy if you have to, but dont show your weakness! I know the signs very well. Every time I would get up I just get put down again. But over time, his remarks have worn me down I feel black in my mind and a no one, I use to be positive and outgoing and figh with all my might to keep this part of me alive I have asked him so many times to stop, but he takes no notice. It has taken me almost 30 years to fully grasp what I had let become my internal dialogue. Hes even gone as far as to all me completely dysfunctional. Strange I dont give a Toss now. Im so tired of it. He always talks like if we helped him open up a nursing home, it will secure my life. A very confusing world it is when one minute your Parents say they love you and the next intimidate and hurt you with a strap. Let me know how I can help. Thank God I have those friends and they stuck with me through those undeserving times. so no matter what, i am the bad guy and i dont even do anything to deserve it. I can tell you it is a very odd feling at first to make a strong stand for yourself and others. The worst of all it affected my eyes to point that my eyes turned into an hour glass so the world through my eyes became very gigantic and a very scary place- everything little thing stood out in my eyes people faces, roads, cars. OMG,I am reading your statement and I got the chills.Are you sure we dont have the same husband or maybe they are brothers,(LOL) the exact same thing is going on with me.My husband is an alcoholic and did not work for 2 yrs.He got a good job and I have always worked well about 2 yrs ago I stopped working so much.You know I want to spend my time with my kids (Ihave always worked and never got to enjoy them) but now (for the past 2 yrs) Im not good enough ,Now that he makes more money than me. I wanted to say that I have been put down,thousands of times thru my life. You have to make choices based on what matters to you, and sometimes that means forging ahead and letting those around know what you expect. To fully gain respect of his daughter, and to show his daughter how a man treats his wife, AND (that's a lotta "ands") to set an example of what marriage/teams are, Dad must never disrespect mom or make fun of her without Mom being part of "joke" with Dad. Which makes my friend is his friend. You can let them know how drained and hurt you are by whats happened, and ask them to treat you differently. I am at the pinnacle of loneliness and I have been here before. Youve just had heaps and huge doses of discouragement. Its like and i dont want this for my son, so I dont engage i just check out and sit there staring at nothing or im crying, while hes just going on and on telling me everything thats wrong with me. Sadly though this doesnt work because this approach prevents the person who is behaving unhelpfully from taking responsibility for what they do and making the necessary changes. He use to tell me I was beautiful, but I havent heard that in a while. I am tired of being directed and micro managed. Im lucky that I believe in God. You dont mention any children, but having kids witness a parent being treated like this is really serious - it causes them pain, distress and confusion and is really bad role modelling. A symptom of the limited idea of ourselves as opposed to the unlimited. Make concessions now to improve your situation. So instead of smoothing things over, not wanting to upset him, or feeling like you need to earn his love, whats a different route you could take? He even got to a point where he (and it hurts for me to say this) but he tried to kill me while I was in bed. You sound like a hard worker and a loyal person that sounds like a good person to me. I want to fix this, I want calm, but it continues to eat at me. he also has this gift of turning every fight around his way. Perhaps he only feels confident is if hes winning an argument or seen to have status. I am in my early 40s and have been looking back in my life and evaluating how I HAVE LET the negative comments and behavior of others affect me mentally and manifest in my own behavior. Then he swears anf yells and makes it a point to say, nobodys been watching him. I said to myself; Kirk, what kind of a person are you if you allow fear to keep you from standing up to people. I get blindsided often. He can say anything because hes just being funny. How am I ungrateful? Ive never put him down or been mean to him EVERRR!!! P.s they dont make fun of their other friends just me . he keeps threatening me with divorce (I am his second marriage, and he didnt put much effort in his first either, especially with his kids who dont even talk with him today). Take amazing care of yourself because you deserve it, not because you feel like you ought. Good Luck to you, I hope things are working in your favor. I nearly had a break down because my mind was spinning and I started to experience paranoia. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. Below, Ive given you ideas for how to change things if youve been receiving hurtful put-downs, but at this point I feel duty-bound to say something. Its the ongoing pattern of undermining thats most important to avoid. My father is narcisstic i believe, i believe that he really worked had to provide education for me and my brother and sister. The child may witness dad/mom roll their eyes or shake their head at something the other parent did or said. But then they cook for me and always wants to hang out with me, I dont understand, why make fun of me and then do so called nice things? When I was in a similar relationship I finally decided that I did not need another child to take care of. I also left a bad church experience. Nothing I do makes a difference in my daughters eyes. He also makes fun of my parents that I love very much. I sit here and wonder what I am doing here, if I am not a important part of his life anymore.

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