why can t i leave this person alone

why can t i leave this person alone

What is it am I afraid to lose? An i had a old number that was found under my bed. I just need your inputs as to what i can expect if i were to stay in the EU as i have never lived here. They run away. Now he lives in my room with me (Im still living with my parents) and he is just lazy and short tempered, hardly showing me any of the affections he used to. Because you are enough, and you are loveable, and you likely love this man very much but have lost your connection with how to show it. Sometimes its just about having experiences together, about just being, without the drama. And we become addicted to people who treat us badly. But somehow we suspect there are other reasons you are not happy here and you are blaming it on low self confidence as no one would take off out of the blue just based on low self confidence if they only thought someone else could do better. We wish you courage. Were willing to bet this isnt the only time this pattern has appeared for you. Or for them to take a walk, but that again implies trust and that you have that freedom, such as living in the countryside. Money is always very low due to the fact that he wants to spend money on smoking and hanging with his friends. The relationship was never really awesome for me, apart from the fact that she was doing lots of things that no one ever did for me . He turned sober off an on after being an alcoholic. I also worry financially and going forward whether I will be physically able to do this all on my own. I said if he had been home I wouldve left where I was to chat with him . However, I want him to leave. At the very worst it would help you communicate all this in a fair, constructive way instead of just walking away and feeling guilty for the rest of your life, assuming its all your fault. He cheated on me and I forgave him. In an ideal world the two of you would go to a couples counsellor, who could break through this really fast, for better or worse. We hope this helps. What does happiness feel like to you? With trauma bonds, we confuse trauma for love. They are abuse. We have a 9 year old and 2 year old twin boys that are 100% victims of our relationship.. It also leads to us being so frozen by anxiety we cant see the opportunities for advancement that are around us. He has always had a problem with not being faithful. They get into a loving relationship but start to sabotage it by always looking for what is wrong, starting disagreements, then convincing their partner things are not good until the partner finally ends up leaving and the BPD partner has fulfilled their belief. I try to do the most on the fear of her getting upset, but it always ends up in her silence. And good for you for being able to admit there is a lot of anger. No doubt about it. Of course when you say I am concerned the children would suffer severely we arent sure what that means. If he is as controlling as you say then a charity will help you with the next steps forward. If you cant afford therapy, then look at our article on finding low cost therapy Ann, heres the thing here. Heres the thing. William, change is scary. Andrea M. Darcy is the lead writer and editor of this site, and has written over two thousand popular articles on wellbeing and mental health. Not at all. She goes from being aggressive and antagonistic to wallowing in self pitting and acting like a victim when i respond, and yes i have said some hateful sh^t. BPD means we need support. We cant live our entire lives not doing so. I have been seriously thinking of giving her an ultimatum about leaving him because I cant break my own heart for much longer. You have at least motivated me to try again. Doing drugs ocasionally. A counsellor or therapist can help you see the wood for the trees as well as help you stabilise financially and open doors for yourself. Im in an 8 year relationship, married two years ago. I spoke with a professional and he said that Id know when it was time to let go and protect myself and I did. We arent predicting this will happen. Wed suggest you look into schema therapy, dialectical behaviour therapy, or mentalisation-based therapy. It is always you dont mean that, your just abusing me, im ok with the abuse, I am NOT leaving And are blaming it on low self confidence. WHY DOES IT FEEL like i am throwing away a good future and that i should try my best to be the boyfriend she wants? Hes shown remorse and is not blaming me any more. I am ready to live in the streets again with my boys cause thats the only way Im going to get rid of him. Since then, i havent been able to trust him at all. In summary, there are deep-rooted issues here. We have a hard time understanding each other and the communication rarely seems to meet my needs. Oh I have a job, but he goes and sits in a parking lot or walks around. The last 4 years have been broken. I would rather we be homeless the be with him. But heres the thing-he never really respected me. Going to couples therapy isnt, despite what TV would show you, to force a relationship to work. And the reason the fear is so big is that it comes from a long history of feeling unsafe and scared and things we learned as children. Friends and family can be too involved in our life, whereas a counsellor is a safe space outside of it all to just let everything come out. We are sorry. And can help you realise the relationships real strengths, and if it worth staying it. I just want to be me again and live my life the way it should be. Child Counselling What are the Signs Your Kid Needs a Therapist? As what we hear here is that you were betrayed, lied to, and had your life threatened, are being treated with hate, were physically hurt by this man, and yet you feel you are in love. We are not wealthy and i work very hard on my own to support both of us, so all that dishonesty really hurt me. It could bet that you need to look at your own beliefs about love. They walk out in fear. I am struggling to know what to do a large part of me feels very closed off to him now, and I cant imagine trusting him fully again. And what one small step can I take today? I ran into someone I had met before we got together , and that guy asked me on a date. We spend the walk with him yelling at me and still saying Im at fault for ignoring him and I shouldnt go to his house . And in our experience, choices made from guilt dont actually work. I told her I want to leave her and that I am not happy. So looking at those facts, it doesnt seem anything to do with his unwillingness to change being a factor in a breakup. We broke up a few days ago. Ive been with my boyfriend for over 4 years. He has a 3 year old because in the mist of us first getting together we both was seeing other persons until we made it official. So now barely talking again, he said he was wants to seek therapy on his own for the violent behavior hes had . Thanks for sharing this post, is very helpful article. He has no compassion, empathy, no respect for me at all. lately we had the worst fight where we both hurt each others feelings and broke up. Sounds like an assumption that youd have all the control and its all about you, to be honest. We would suggest that these issues are far deeper than anything to do with getting married or staying or leaving in a relationship and might go right back to a childhood that you never felt enough in. Emotional abuse from both of us. Yes. 2 sessions in he quits. Ive had previous relationships before where Ive been cheated on. I love him but Im not in love with him and when I tell him he just goes around it and makes me feel bad but for some reason I cant seem to leave him because he depends on me and I dont want to see him messed up. I shouldve let them do it. Note that during and after pregnancy hormones play a huge part in affecting mood. As a child my parents werent really involved all the time , but I didnt know what it felt like to be adopted. To be honest we would highly advise some counselling, and not as we are a therapy company, but because if you dont sort out the issues we see here you are likely to walk right into another unhealthy relationship. What you need first is to help your brain get out of freeze. Are their charities you can reach out to, for women in abusive relationships (assuming she really would come after you) that might help you see some more of those options? EMDR, BWRT, and clinical hypnotherapy can be weird but effective experiences, and you can feel a shift relatively quickly. I feel that Ive lost my self esteem being in this relationship and have tried working on the relationship from every angle esp for the benefit of our child. Couldnt that help if youve given up on yourself? But this is not love, and we can change this. You can start now to ask yourself good questions. I dont want to be in any relationship at all; because I dont want to be needed by anyone but myself. I have been unhappy in my relationship for many years. We moved in together quite soon after we were seeing each other- maybe 3 months. We have articles on this site about choosing therapy, all the different types of therapy, how to find a good therapist, and how to find low cost therapy, too. If this is a pattern if you always want to leave, always obsess on the negative, always end up without physical attention, always date deadbeats? I need help. Before I met him I was very active and social. During these days I become increasingly upset and depressed whilst I wait to hear if hes going to finish with me or not. And also note that as for why you cant just decide, drama is addictive. We wish you courage! Our thoughts can soundlike: Even I cant financially afford to leave this relationship can be low self-esteem in disguise, showing a lack of belief in your own skills and creativity. All is not lost, BPD partners can be incredibly generous, empathic, and fun, but its important to keep checking in and making sure you are not become too self focused and dramatic. They might be able to help you find free or low cost counselling or have a support group you can attend. Hi Juicy, what did you learn love was growing up? We could make a good guess your childhood had challenges in it. But leave the joy in the moment. So it sounds like you are really suffering and have had a string of bad relationships, which would likely connect to childhood. Hes on probation so if I leave he wont have anywhere to go because he doesnt deal with family. I have been with my partner for over 22 years and have two grown up children. There are many trust issues that my boyfriend has due to me sleeping with 2 other guys shortly after having our son when he chose to leave us at the hospital. So you are now addicted to, not him, but suffering. If you have no money look for a charity that helps young people, or google low cost counselling along with your post code. You must feel loved from within yourself, no partner will ever meet that massive need if deep down you are not able to feel highly worthy of love, this is part of healing from BPD, to learn to source that from yourself over expecting others to fill that. He wont go to therapy or counselling. As the article discusses, the reasons are many. Anxious attachment means we deeply long for intimacy and closeness. When this is not the truth. If so please talk to your GP and ask for mental health support. Its just that we need support. We are going to suggest something. I find myself having to relax or calm down before speaking or interacting with my current boyfriend. While I was out with friends my ex BF came to the same place when he was done and I think he saw me talking to a guy I had met before we were together then all of a sudden he decided he wanted to try again and that theres a sense of hope for him now. So I feel crazy and hurt he leaves for a week for a work trip and then doesnt talk to me until the day before he gets back while Im feeling crazy and like wow he really doesnt want to be with me. Ive been in a relationship with my partner for 3 years now and to start with, it was really good, we were both open and caring and there for one another, our relationship really nourished me. 6. The other thing going on here is that you can see that you feel more comfortable around drama and even emotional pain. Best, HT. But so is the prospect of staying in a really unhappy situation. Best, HT. We fight every week same fight I am not feeling loved. When he texts he words it differently so its not like he asking them for sex but he is. They are ultimately rejected. These sorts of powerful cycles of behaviour are just too big for any of us to handle alone. It is worth it. Hes depressed, not a child. It might be that you learned by example to choose difficult relationships. And he chooses his family over us and he says its my fault. We get on well, have fun together, and I care about her so much and really want her to be happy, but I know myself and I feel so numb to the relationship now, and there is no intimacy whatsoever left. Hi Tammy, thanks for sharing. Leaving the relationship might be the solution, it might not these things might just follow you. If you arent in the UK, google for a charity that helps families and give them a call. Hello. I want to leave the relationship and let my girlfiend find someone better, I dont want a relationship ever again. Easy to blame the relationship but we feel it might have older roots. Generally, if you turn away from the person this is an obvious clue that your conversation has come to an end. When she tries to initiate sexual things its like my body cant, my sex drive isnt gone in general but its like my brain knows something is wrong so my body cant work in that way with her. Its been 2 years and we are still sleeping in my car, Ive tried pulling us up on our feet ,but its not as easy as it was when I was by myself. it was breaking my heart and It was really tough for me I cant imagine what she was going through. My partner was very controlling and emotionally abusive for 18 months and this then escalated to a short but very destructive 3 months where he was also physically abusive. Is it possible that it relates to childhood and pervades all of your relationships, not just this one? Hi Diedra, it sounds like you have been through a lot together. and I said it wasnt cool that youre also hanging out with these girls I dont know and it hurts me. During this, I cant get myself so far to let go of this asian girl and want to return to the country to marry her and live with her. Im in a sticky situation in that I feel trapped. And what would have to happen for you to get from here to there? He threatened me to kill himself and said it was to make me react. They try to stay in your life or seduce and convince you to return. Go in armed with a list of questions, our articles cover what you need to ask, and know that if a therapist is not for you you have the right to walk away at any time. I dont want to leave but Im so depressed and wore out from constantly just dealing with all this thru out the years. Can you find a counsellor you can afford? This means we end up as adults who have a belief we have to save and help others to be loved. Not anymore. Hi Debra, this is a complicated situation or is it? Financially I am covering 100% while he is in school. So what we see here is that you are addicted to a painful relationship and in all likelihood have what is called trauma bonding. She has paranoia which has caused her to accuse our friends and family of many strange offensive things over the years, including recently she snapped at my best friend/roomate multiple times without reason and was threatening to kick him out so now hes moving and not really talking with us as much. When we have these deep core beliefs, we tend to push others to prove them to us, without even realising our own actions are encouraging others to prove our beliefs are right. And how you could leave while protecting yourself using the law? What else can I do? We wish you luck. But the help of a counsellor or psychotherapist makes the process of learning to choose happy and healthy relationships faster, and more likely to last, then attempting it alone. Reading all these other stories though, it could be far worse. It also affects our intimate life, both in the obvious way in addition to the fact that I end up so upset about going it alone and going to bed alone every night etc., that even if its not the internet temptation, Im just too upset that I have to come second to a device and wait for him to satisfy all the things he wants to do before he will see me/us. Instead, seek support. Where are these ideas from? First of all, seems you are taking a lot of control instead of leaving him to have choices and face consequences like an adult. In fact low self-worth can be why we attract certain partners in the first place. Read our article on coercive control we think youll be shocked at how well it describes your relationship https://bit.ly/coercivecontrolht. Her attitude was always you knew what you were marrying. Later he sends me a long text but I had been working and I like talking in person I sent a sad face , he sent one back, I asked what he was doing (bc I wanted to talk) and he says hes at the bar by our job. Hi Oscar, have you heard of the term codependency? If you only know despair, suffering, hard work, codependency, if you dont even know what else is out there why would you seek it? She told me a little about this when we first started dating and at the time I was uneducated in the full and deep mental effects that this has on someone. It doesn't matter which one of you initiated the breakup, the aftermath can still be painful for both of you. I dont know if I can dig myself out of this hole Im in. These are of course big questions. In summary, if this is a pattern, well worth talking to a counsellor about. And something you expect? Hi there, you are right you cant make him better or make him do anything at all. My wife is devastated and now says she would like to work on repairing the damage of my affair and some of the underlying issues behind our relationship problems. Same thing I was thinking. I feel traumatized and let down by the therapy I have already spent years and $$$ on so I am frozen in that aspect also. he stays out till 4 in the morning, even later. Ive been very supportive through these things for the last few years its just all starting to weigh on me and Im not sure how to make sense of my thoughts or what course of action makes the most sense. The term for . And what can actually happen if we arent currently being rejected or abandoned and are actually in a situation where love and care is avaiable is that we unconsciously make situations for this to happen. Thanks for your response. Best, HT. He is never going to change. Nobody consciously decides to be unhappy. At the same time, part of me realises thats not true. I honestly dont do anything really because i get talked down too or he acts mad at me and i feel guilty for wanting to do something fun with my friends or even my family and when he gets drunk he starts accusing me of cheating on him which is bizarre. So do whatever you can to shift your thoughts over to yourself and taking care of yourself, and get any and all support you can find to figure out what you want next and how you can take steps to make that happen. I feel trapped and my self worth is gone!! And you can also work with your therapist on looking at why youd choose to even date someone who stonewalled you in the first place, as that is not healthy either. He told me to quit and he take care of everything. If we are stuck in our trauma response, and living our life in a constant state of anxiety and feeling frozen, a therapy that looks to have us talk about our past can just leave us feeling worse and endlessly triggered. Doesnt that totally underestimate any adult? My partner wants to work on our relationship, but my heart isnt in it anymore. One minute he is nice and charming, and the moment he feels criticized by my words of encouragement he begins giving the silent treatment and gets very defensive & violent. If you are sure the time is now to leave, then youve got to do what you need to survive. Mainly because I need to gather my thoughts before addressing rather than blurting out something that is uncollected and possibly confusing, but also in hopes that if Im overreacting, I can cool down and realize it without having to have a talk every time Im feeling upset about something. Ive been with my partner for a decade and have wanted to leave for well over a year now, but I am so scared of hurting her. In life, we cant change another person, not matter how much we think we love them. But you still feel hopeful. I shouldve just left instead of cheating. When we are very unstable in life we dont tend to suddenly attract a healthy relationship that will fix things. Now all these people are putting thoughts in his head an he is looking at everything like I cheated on him. Things to think about, and things to explore with a counsellor or perhaps a couples counsellor? Perhaps childhood taught you this. I know I should leave but I dont know how. The only problem he has with the marriage is sex, my problems with this marriage not is I cant trust a word that comes out of his mouth, the way he treats me. His problem with the marriage is sex. I dont have a job yet and I have kids. On the one hand, I want to break up more because of this new, unpleasant dynamic in our relationship. which releases chemicals like adrenaline and cortisol into our body. I have asked him numerous times to leave and he says no. When I left, my husband started threatening taking his own life, threatened to ruin my life, threatened to hurt the guy I was having an affair with, etc He was giving himself anxiety attacks and needing medication for manic depression and anxiety. Do you think that this is a good idea? Arguments and screaming is just a norm. Hello, I am in a relationship of 14 years with the mother of my 7 month old daughter. This is normal in highly unhealthy relationships. As for him changing, the only person we can control and change in life is ourselves. How long do I hold on for? We argue because I get upset because hes not turned up when he says he will or because I caught him lying about something insignificant or because he is ignoring me. If this is what is foremost on your mind it should be something you bring to therapy. In the past, when I left, she was a totally different person doing everything she had always been doing. London-based Harley Therapy Psychotherapy and Counselling, Harley Therapy - Psychotherapy & Counselling, nobody else will ever love me so I should stay. Our relationship can be comfortable. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 5 nearly 6 years. This results in anxious thinking, where we overthink things until we feel terrible and then even make something into what it is not or make decisions that make our life more complicated instead of easier. I tried to leave one day because I had enough I was crying and he looks at me and starts laughing at me.

Indigenous Or Aboriginal Which Is Correct In Canada, What Age Is Considered A Minor In Singapore, North Codorus Township Police, Articles W